| [public] SOLITUDE STANDING |
[wednesday 12:56am] |
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I can't believe I barely write here any more.
Things are different now. I'm three-quarters of the way towards my legal qualification and, performance permitting, will start out in corporate law in August. I would almost be excited if the the international markets weren't crashing around our ears.
The financial fear is strange. Food leaflets in Sainsburys suggest tips reminiscent of the Blitz era - skimp! Save! Economise! It's a background hum of uncertainty, a tinnitus. I dream of wandering Canary Wharf with all the buildings vacant and unlit. Sobering.
I have let my hair grow, and the ends now skim the bottom of my ribcage. Still a faded ruby red, though with deplorable roots. I think I'm going to crop it back to shoulder-length soon, as it takes so long to dry.
I love the ballet, the snow, rose oil vaseline and opaque tights in cheery colours.
Sometimes I wonder why I list the things I love here. I think it may be a hangover from Spanish speaking lessons - What are your hobbies? What are your favourites? It is the best way I can think of to tell you who I am.
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| [public] THINGS |
[saturday 02:44am] |
Wedge heels
Bows
Mirrors
Getting in the bath with clothes still on
Revision, revision, revision
I love you and I hate myself for it;
I hate you and I love myself for it
I am going to pay an extra £30 a week and have an enormous double room after the summer. It has a window seat looking out over the communal garden, and the light streams in as it is south-facing.
I have to decide today whether to book three weeks in Mexico. It would be wonderful, but I suspect rather too warm. We shall see.
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[thursday 03:59am] |
I have just quoted "Fuck Tha Police" by NWA in my Tort Law extended coursework essay. This is possibly my most ridiculous academic moment so far, and I am loving it ;)
xxx
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[sunday 06:17am] |
No more hate crimes; only love crimes. They are so much more beautiful.
I had a breakthrough in thinking today. I was thinking sadly of how my pathological fear of commuting will likely translate into my living in a shiny Canary Wharf apartment for the next decade. And then I had a thought of genius!
My current plan is to have a small place somewhere easily accessible from Canary Wharf, maybe even cycleable. Somewhere like this looks amazing although I think I'd probably start out in a room in a houseshare. Friendlier and more economic!
And then I want to save up for a weekend place in Brighton. I can go there straight after work on Friday and commute back in on Monday morning. I adore the sea, I really really do, and I am delighted at the thought of combining living in London with seaside splendour. This place is a holiday let, but oh my god the beauty; Regency terraces and sea views.
Just imagine, being able to walk to the sea whenever you wished!
I could arrange for it to be let in the summer to bring in some extra £££. It would be my first step on the way to having my own hotel (my secret ambition).
Although, to be fair, I think where I will be working is beautiful also:
(My tower is the second tall one from the right, with the greeny-turquoise glow at the top)
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| [public] I USED TO LIVE ALONE BEFORE I KNEW YOU |
[sunday 11:26pm] |
The moon is full, and my eyes are running with tears, and I am so alone.
Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid fucking failure stupid failure useless failure stupid stupid worthless fucking failure stupid stupid useless useless useless useless disgusting stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid
I know how this feels, and how it works, as surely as a consultant knows the symptoms of an illness. I know the stages. I know how the mind sucks away at the jagged edges of painful thoughts, smooths them like the little nuggets of glass you find at the seaside. I know, I know, I know.
Love makes no sense whatsoever.
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